by Paul C. Binotto
Priestly personalities and holy dispositions are far too varied to be adequately characterized by the two traditional titles of “Reverend” and “Very Reverend”. If the uninitiated “Church Shopper” is to make an informed decision about which parish to attend, a more descriptive and comprehensive clerical title scheme seems in order.
I have supplemented the two standard titles with eight additional clerical titles. In addition, an eleventh title is included as a catch-all in those rare instances where the priest cannot be described accurately by one of the other ten.
The scheme is rather straight forward and easy to apply: priests are rated on a scale from one to ten, ten being the most reverend. The proper title assignment corresponds with the priest’s numerical rating as follows:
1: Seldom Reverend
2: Disposed to Fits of Reverence
3: Naughty Almost to the Point of Being Irreverent
4: Somewhat Reverend
5: Mostly Reverend
7: More Reverend Than Most
8: Highly Reverend
9: Very Reverend
10: Too Reverend
(11: Missing Reverend and Presumed to be Hiding in the Church Basement)
Disclaimer: Of course this title classification scheme is still very much a work in progress, it is not meant for immediate application. And, I will retract any portion or this entire document under the slightest threat of excommunication and eternal damnation.